just when you thought, everything is perfect

[2:45am] and my heart literally hurts. We had a huge fight that involved pushing and pulling. It all simply elevated from a simple ‘I want to stay in Korea during the same period so I can be with you for both flights’. From my room, I ended up crying in front of my main gate. It wasn’t just one of those cries, I was crying with a bleeding heart. It seriously hurts. I squat down and cried till I could feel my whole face wet with tears. I cried till I could feel my mucous on my hair. It was that bad, i dont remember ever crying this badly. I didn’t have any tissue with me so I had to wipe the mucous on myself. :/ He turned back to look for me but it was already too late. I was beyond consolable.

I couldn’t stop crying. My heart hurts so badly that I literally held my fist to it. My head started to ache and I couldn’t stand up or breathe properly. He helped me in and  we couldnt talk to each other. I was shivering with sadness that made me felt so weak.

We headed back to my room and I’ve stopped crying. He fell asleep beside me but my heart still felt excruciating. Whenever I close my eyes, I’ll naturally think about how cold he was, how we started the fight. I’m feeling really exhausted that I’ve no idea how long I can keep this up. Whatever we fight, he’ll always want to run away back home. Everytime we fight, it will always be of late hours. I put in so much effort to this relationship but at the end of the day, it only return hurt back to me. We didn’t talk this out.. but I’m really tired from all the crying.. really really tired.
Writing this, it is 3pm in the afternoon. Jo came by during noon for ~20 minutes. He came by with drinks and 2 muffins. But I couldnt look at him straight. I could still feel the pain from before. I think he skipped lunch to drop by. He asked me not to be reminded of last night… but how can i? It was so painful that I couldnt stop thinking. I can’t stop crying whatever I think about how awful it was. I’m considering cancelling my korea trip for good. It seems the more I try to make my relationship perfect, it is only beautiful on the outside.

The shitty part is,

there is no way I can let him know how I feel. 

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