Who Am I?

Have you ever experience crying yourself to sleep and then waking up crying?

And when you finally get hold of yourself, you’ll still find yourself hiding in a corner, crying in the middle of the day.

I really don’t know how long I can keep this up and this has already been going on for weeks (not every day but frequent enough to feel the pain getting worst). I’m starting to think it is not working out, no matter how much effort I am putting in. & that hurts.. to know your efforts are just futile. Furthermore, it is getting way too painful for me to handle.

I have no one to talk to because everyone seems to had enough of my story with my ex and I do not want to make myself look pathetic. The things we quarrel are ridiculous and it seems like I am always the one at fault.

This time, it was his petty jealousy that was also my fault. & the main trigger was me telling a close male friend of 12 years JY that I went waxing. -.-” It is no secret that I do waxing, given the fact that I’ve also blogged about it. If he didnt like it, just tell me nicely and I’ll cut that topic out. There is no need for a petty quarrel. He said he read my messages by accident, but my waxing appointment was early this month. If you read my messages, just tell me honestly. Don’t lie to me that it was an accident when obviously you deliberately clicked on the conversation and read everything. I’ve got nothing to hide but Jo gets jealous way too easily. I can never give him the security he wants. That is also the main reason why I don’t like it when he browse through my phone. I don’t want to fight with him unnecessarily. I told JY about the surprise birthday trip and everything seems so pointless now.

At the end of the day, who am I to Jo? I didn’t flirt with JY, I never talk sex with JY whereas Alice, one of Jo’s female pal, discussed her sex life with him. I was unhappy but I didn’t get madI still dislike her but I dont pull her into our relationship and pick a fight.

Because of his petty jealousy, Jo can delete me away like I’m some random chick he picked up from the streets. It’s normal to be jealous, but just don’t start a fight over it. I get jealous too, over his ex mainly but never once fight over it. If you have no jealousy in a relationship, it just simply means you dont care enough about the other half. Jo said I have 2 faces. -.-” & I’ve no idea what does that means. He said I share things with my friends, including those I shared with him. Sometimes I share things with my friends, things that I didn’t share with Jo. -.- seriously?! I usually ask comments from more than one person and I share my most intimate secrets with Jo. He will also usually be the first person to know anything. So I’ve no idea why is he getting petty over these?

He asked “Cant we just love each other without any worries and be happy?” Honestly, I don’t think I have control over that anymore because I thought that was what I’ve been trying to do. I am starting to question if our happiness in our relationship is indeed fabricated by me. All these time, I’ve been putting in so much effort for what? Obviously is to make our relationship perfect, make him happy and make myself happy. I plan dates, plan staycations, plan this and that and I’ve never once complain (& will never complain). I never really do all these for my ex but why is it that I ended up feeling sorry for myself? Why is it after putting in so much effort, pain is all that I get in return? I dont remember love being this tired.

He said during our previous fight, that he is worried that I will get sick of him. I don’t think i’ll ever get sick of him, but I supposed I’ll just get tired from all the trying and crying.

So what else am I supposed to do now when everything I do is wrong?

I am at the end of the cliff, wanting to just give everything up.

 

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