Day 5: When Reality Hits You Hard

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Sitting by the window with zero intention of heading out, you just can’t help but feel sad and aimless. Staring at the wind blowing, imaginating what other people back in SG are doing.. Did I make the right choice of everything? A question that I always ask whenever I am alone or upset. Surrounding with just 4 walls, thoughts just run wild.

Being alone for the past 5 days, all sorts of thoughts start overwhelming me. I don’t think I am strong enough for these… I tried to put a brave front, but I think I am failing badly.

As I am writing this, tears are flowing down my cheeks rapidly. & they doesn’t stop.. to a point when it gets too difficult to breathe again. I can taste the bitterness of every tears but what exactly am I crying for? My past? My present? My future? Have you ever wish you can press a reset button in life? Rewinding back to the past, just to correct mistakes that you’ve made. I’m not a perfect being, and I’m still trying my very best to figure life out. I have many friends but none of them that I can really confide in, no best friends in particular and my partner is all that I am going to have. I can’t help to think that he is happier back here and I’ll never have the courage to give up everything just to be with him… no matter how much I want to.

The plan was that we will be spending 23 – 26 together. So say it harshly, he is going to kick me back to Seoul. His reason: “I do not want you to see my mother cry when she send me off.. Because it will make you feel bad”. I’ve been acting strong the whole time and honestly, I have no idea how long I can keep this up. I fell in love with a complete foreigner that I am starting to think if I am even strong enough for this to go on. If this is the scenario each time I accompany him back, I fear for the future…. our future. I really don’t want to be alone because it is getting way too difficult… & coincidentally each time when I feel shit, I see the happiness of them. How much have I cried since entering this relationship? Was I even ready to step into this? It isn’t any of our fault but my heart aches, a lot.

Watching Sex & The City isn’t making things easier because it is based on being happily ever after with that one true love while being successful and being humble, along with treating everyone with kindness. It’s an inspiration… But how would you know if she/he is that one? I dated one for 7 years that I wasn’t sure about. I am dating one that I think he’s the one but yet I still can’t be totally sure if it will really work out.

Love can be the most beautiful thing that you can ever possess but it takes two to clap. To make a relationship last, never stop chasing each other… no matter how long you guys have been together.  Love is all about sparkles and once it goes out, all that is left.. is a charred tip. No matter how much effort you try to rekindle it, chances are you can’t. When that happens, everything between the two of you no longer matters. I am trying very hard to ensure that this sparkles of mine keep shining brightly, but why does it feels as though it is flickering?

In the past, all I expected was the other him to keep it going while I stood aside.

I tend to hide my feelings a lot, bottling every bit of it that amounted to some kind of pressure that broke my previous relationship. Jo and I made a pact to share about what we do not like about each other, our true feelings but just sometimes, it feels impossible to fully express myself. 4 alphabets – F E A R. I’m actually afraid to be left alone again but I can’t argue. I can’t tell him cos i dont want him to be worried or upset. In fact, I can’t tell anyone…..

The thing that ruin most relationship – P R E S S U R E. I worry too much, I think too much. & what causes these? E X P E C T A T I O N S. I expected my past relationship to be a fairytale story when he isn’t a romantic person and all I did was just lazing one corner, expecting magic to happen. He had already tried his best but I always expected more. That’s the weakness of human – greed. Then the pressure of needing to get married when I wasn’t ready also caused me to give up. I treated everyone (& everything) with kindness that I cared about other people’s feelings too much and neglected the closest one.

Again with expectations, I crave for a relationship that have the ability to make everyone jealous.. expecting mine to be the most perfect one. I always compare my current relationship with a certain relationship when love should never be compared.  I am clear of that definition but the stubborn me refuses to listen. & it’s causing a lot of pain, especially when I’ll always coincidentally see their happiness whenever I feel lonely and shitty. “What have I missed out?” Many nonsensical questions start popping out that has no satisfying answers. If there is some accident or potion to wipe specific memories, I’ll do anything to exchange for that.

I’m constantly doing self-reflections, creating all sorts of goals – to better my own personality, be that greater person and creating a flawless relationship. All these for who, for what? Am I doing it for my own happiness, his happiness or doing it for the sake of proving someone wrong?

Right now, perhaps I am still at the crossroad.. figuring the right path out. But it’s tough… squatting in the middle, feeling confused and crying my hearts out again. I just want to drink myself silly for tonight and perhaps everything will be okay when we meet tomorrow.

PS: I really want to talk to you so much. But I can’t. I do not know how you do it… moving on just like that. But I really wish I’m you. Why is my relationship so difficult while yours is just a breeze?  Why you can meet someone that is just right immediately after while I am struggling with mine even though I feels happy sometimes? Is this karma for failing as your girlfriend? I am really trying so hard.. but why am I the one having to cry so often? If you’re still interested in my life, i bet you’re laughing at me now. 

Note: I may or may not be able to blog for the next few days. 

just take one step at a time, they say.

till next time.

xoxo

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