Day 9: Alcohol numbs the pain temporaily

Let me just skip the past few days for now.

Because of the fact that you can get soju for ~S$2, I seems to depend on it to numb the pain temporaily. This time, only 1 bottle…. just enough to help me sleep. I tried not to touch it at all but I just cry naturally each time I am alone.

I went dinner with Emma & her family. While I was crying badly, she came knocking on the door to invite me to join them. Obviously I didn’t want her to know that I had been crying.. so I cooled myself down, touched up my make up and waited for her. Dinner was fantastic and I joined Emma for 2 bottles of beer. Still hating beer but I didn’t want to be an anti-social.

Came back home, watched 3 episodes of Mom and I still find myself crouching on the bed, sobbing away. Jo and I texted about god-knows-what-happened and I told him that it has been really difficult for me. We talked about seriously considering if we should even continue. But then he started blaming himself, of his unpredictable mood swings. He said he should just be alone.. thinking back, he has always been hurting people thats why one by one his ex-es left him.. he was always the one getting dumped. I’ve no idea how was his past relationships like but this is us we are talking about. & we’ve been quarrelling about the whole damn cycle about being happy and upset at the end of the date. You already know the mistake…. even comparing it with your past.. So instead of doing something, you think that whining about that fact is more important. So what else am I supposed to do?

I can tell you that the past 4 days before this shit, we were VERY happy and very much in love. So can someone really tell me.. why am I at the very same spot, drinking alone and crying away? My head hurts and my heart hurts. Each time, it is always the same cycle. Happy > Cry > He apologizes and whole thing repeats. You may think that I must be some kind of crybaby but I seriously NEVER cry this much ever in my whole 27 years of living.

What’s worst… is I seriously think I love this guy more than I ever could imagine. But yet moving on seems to be questionable. So, what am i supposed to do? Even after giving in all my efforts, it’s still this shit.

Why is loving you… this difficult? I just want a normal relationship. All I ask for is happiness. 

Posted in <3

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