Mentally Tortured

Writing this after 4 days isn’t what I want. I want to update here with happy memories that we had. But yet, I am again crying my heart out.

“Our relationship is not easy as compared to others. But don’t ever give up”. He told me this but how can I not have the intention to give all up? It’s too painful to continue, to a point I am suspecting if I am suffering some kind of depression. I am crying WAY too often than usual…….. right? because now, I no longer can think straight anymore.

We were just having our usual date, just that it was the last few hours together. We were both buying stuff for other people so I was using my phone more than usual to confirm the ‘orders’ (and the usual recording and taking of pictures). From happily buying roses for me, his face just suddenly changed. I thought it was me taking too much of his time but he still offered to go to the mart together. How to continue smiling to a block of wood? Every word that he replied was monotonous.

The next thing was finding myself crying in public while we sat in front of the railway station. We didn’t talk and he didn’t console me. After 20 minutes, we just stood up for the first goodbye and I left with tears that was already out of control.. He followed behind but I think by then, nothing could make the situation any better.. & you know what was the reason of him getting upset? It’s because he thinks that I didn’t care about him and kept texting. -.-” I was the one that kept smiling and talking to him, poking him about the roses but after multiple attempts, all I got was still a poker face. Whoever is normal will give up, just like I did. & I wasn’t just anyhow texting people.. I was texting with purposes.

When we parted for the second and final time, he expected me to smile back which I just couldn’t do it. Not when my heart was already bleeding… he apologized and withdrew it again when he was expecting an apology from me. -.- I seriously did nothing wrong! But yet I am the one that supposed to say sorry? Why is it for every happy memories we created, it get tinted with sorrow? Why is it am I the only one crying till I can hardly breathe?

Even after parting for an hour, I just got a “text me when you reach home”. When I did, “ok” was all I received back. -.- In the past, I thought my ex and I were too different to be together. Now, I am thinking we are too similar that it probably will not work out eventually. I just want a normal happy relationship… is that too much to ask for?

is it possible to say… Jo is the best thing and the worst thing that happened to me? Is it right that I am having a happy but yet painful relationship? I get tortured emotionally and mentally by the relationship that i really do not know what to do.

How strong do I have to be? How long must this torture go on?

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