“Are You Happy?”

“Are You Happy?” I was asked several times by the drunk Kam and my answers were the same..

It’s always good to have friends that really care for you. Kam and L are like 2 Bros that I can really depend on. I covered for L’s cab fare home and I went home with some emptiness after Kam’s bday.

The conversation started out with who is better looking – my ex or my bf. ‘Oppa is a nice guy la but you sure about him? You don’t have to care about anyone else. Just ask yourself if you’re happy’. My answer – “I Don’t Know”. “What do you mean by you don’t know?” Well, I just don’t.

I’m in love, that’s for sure. I feel excited when I see him. I feel happy going out with him. I miss him when we’re not spending time together. There are several times when I can really see myself getting married to him or spending the rest of my life with him. Sometimes, I like him so much that I even wondered if is it even possible to like someone this much. But there are also times that I think perhaps this will not work out either. What exactly is the meaning of ‘happiness’ in life? I no longer can be sure. I lost myself and was left completely alone, and when I stand up to find my balance again, he was gone. Then, J came into my life at the right time and supported me. I got to throw away some habits and old lifestyle, adjusting all over again. Life is getting better but I don’t think I am fully recovered from whatever I was suffering. My love for the both of them is very different from each other and whatever I am experiencing with Jo.. it’s just a whole new level of love and affection. With Jo, I just feel like my job is to take good care of him and make sure he’s happy.. my happiness seems to be secondary.  I just want to focus on not hurting him and minimize any damage on myself. Our future has too many uncertainties that I cannot really put much hopes in. After all, we are 2 people with different sets of culture and lifestyle. I’ve cried multiple times out of loneliness. So am I happy? “I dont know”.

I’m currently being tortured by the flu bug that makes me sneeze way too much and I always wake up with the worst sore throat.

if only life can be so much simpler.

xoxo

 

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