What are you living for?

Bali was paradise and yesterday was one of my happiest day. But today, i’m back to the lonely dark corner. When I’m in there, no one ever succeeded getting me out of there.

Dating someone similar to you can complicate your feelings even more. Each time I try to confide in him about my worries/sorrow, he’ll end up getting dragged into the dark corner with me.

Both of us always feel like there’s nothing to live for and honestly, he is what that keeps me going right now. I am not sure how often it is for him but this shitty feeling happens too often for me. I just hope… he will be even more patient with me and be that man that I could really share everything with, rather than joining me in the dark zone each time I confide in him.

What are you living for? Because for me, I’ve no idea what am I doing with my life and who the hell am I. I feel dead lonely because there isn’t anyone for me to really fall on.

WhatsApp Image 2017-07-28 at 11.23.47 PM

I used to be the one getting pampered a lot but now I am the one to pamper him. Jo actually wrote a letter to my dad and asked me to pass it to him. I didn’t. In fact, I read it and kept it. No point giving to my dad because he wont read it.

Dear Parent,

I am very honor to write this letter to you.  I would like to tell you few things sincerely. Probably you know, I have loved Crystal and it just keep getting bigger. I’m sure Crystal is the most precious daughter for you. So I politely promise you that I will love and treat her as the most precious lady for me. I will try to make her happy, as much as I can.

I’m deeply touched. The prettiest bling sits on the fourth finger of my wrinkly hands.. but why am i currently staring at it, thinking about whether am I seriously rushing in this relationship. Many times, I feel like I can entrust myself to Jo and live happily ever after but there are also many times whereby his actions confuse me.

I promised not to let money come in between us but why is my heart saying something different? Obviously he isn’t with me because of what I’ve been giving him and he didn’t ask for anything.. it’s all on my own will. The Bali trip set me back $2650, in just 3 days. lol. Amazing eh? Money can be earned back so why am I drawing a line with it? 

As years passes, I believe my self-confidence will continue to go negative. Jo is the only one that can make me feel good about myself. But yet, I cant help insulting myself over my inproportionate body shape, huge elephant thighs and a buddha tummy. Soon, my butt will be melting and my boobs will sag. Who would want me then? Jo said he will but he is a guy afterall. Which guy wont be attracted to younger girls? No matter how much one can maintain her looks, if she’s 40.. she will lose to a 20 year old. Guys will always be guys. I can totally say this out of experience.

I never know how to have fun and kept to myself. Things got even worst after being a full-time pet sitter. I committed so much time in it and lost touch with the outside world. I no longer enjoy the nightlife. People use drinking as an entertainment but for me, it’s for me to drown my misery. What’s happiness? What’s true happiness?

till next time..


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