The same dream & the day just gets even ‘better’

Waking up in the morning, I’m crankier than ever. I had that same dream again, quarrelling with the same guy over the same things. How long will I actually be stuck in this endless cycle? Soon afterwards, I found myself crying within the 4 walls of my room.. with 2 puppies happily playing with each other (wishing I were as carefree as them)

When I was going through the roughest confusing patch in life, he decided to let it all go. I can’t exactly blame him because of what i did (constantly neglecting his feelings) was unacceptable and there probably wouldn’t have anyone that could have stick around that long. So ultimately, I was left all alone. When he needed someone by his side, I was too busy struggling with myself or whatever was going on with my life. Someone else did the job that I was supposed to do and succeeded in replacing me (she’s so good that even his whole family liked her more than me). Neither was he around when I really needed someone. Either way… I lost him, forever.

A new person entered my life and made me happy again (even though I still fall into the dark zone as and when). I learnt from my mistakes and other new things about love. I once again feel what’s love again. Yet, he can never be replaceable. I told myself I’ve moved on completely, I told him I’ve moved on completely. But what are these constant drifting memories? They say dreams indicate what you really wish to happen…. /shrugs. I hope he still care for me like before. But he already found his true princess. What’s the point of all these when he have moved on way better and earlier than you did? What’s the point when you guys are not even on talking terms? I loved him more than I even knew.

Why am i trying so hard in my new relationship? Why am I willing to put in so much feelings and effort into it? I just dont wish to be abandoned once more, due to my own mistakes. But what is this unexplainable loneliness and unhappiness that I keep experiencing?

Am I generally a lousy person? I mean, the fact that I’m so easily replaceable and forgettable, does it mean I just suck as being a person? No looks, no personality – a boring plain jane that exist for the sake of existing. Why is it that his opinion matters so much to me?

I’m aware that I’ve been repeating this over and over. That’s why I feel like I’m stuck in this recurring loop.  I’m struggling to find my way out. Each time when I thought I finally found the exit, it turns out to be an endless turn back to the same old spot where I had been standing.

I didn’t want to do anything the whole day. The heat made me even gloomier. Minding my own business, I was asked by my dad for another 2k. Let me do a breakdown of the money they “withdraw” from me since June:

2/6 –  S$6150 

10/6 – S$2000

6/7 – $7250

18/7- $1000

and now, 29/7 – another $2k. Excluding this, it’s already S$16,400 in just 1.5 month. I fought badly with my dad over the last 2k. I vented my frustration that I feel like an atm. I have been taking the rental money from our house, but these supposed to be repayment for the S$30,000 that they took from me some time in 2016. If I have unlimited money, I will be more than happy to give as much money as I can to them.

I begged my dad not to treat me like an atm anymore. I dont care if I get me 30,000 back fully, I just want to release myself of this agony. He called me names, called me good for nothing, called me ungrateful brat. It’s rightful for parents to take money from their children but I don’t print money. I have my own expenses and together with my relationship expenses (yes, i have that shit), I spend an average of 5k a month. I need to pay my helper an average of $500 a month and whatever miscellaneous she wants, I buy (yes, i’m like a “boyfriend” of hers too). People will say I’m stupid for being too nice. If being unable to produce few thousand each time my dad ask means I’m unfilial, i would rather just pass a few hundreds a month because… apparently that’s how my dad weighs whether you’re worthy. My lucky bro is far away in Aussie. My dad paid hell lot for his medical courses.. so shouldn’t it be him that needs to repay my dad?

Whatever this argument is, it’s a losing battle for me. & no one knows what I’m going through. I can’t talk to Jo about this.. even if i do, he probably wouldnt know what to say. My brother is too stressed up for this. I just got to bottle it up, hide in the room and cry it all out. Because, no one cares.

 

If i could have a time machine, I would go back to the time when you first fell in love with me and stay there forever.

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